So, it's been 1 week today since crossing the finish line of the Monumental marathon in Indy and I'm just beginning to accept the outcome. After reading Kara Goucher's latest blog post about her NYC marathon, I found the courage to post a blog about mine as well. I've used this week as sort of a re-charge for myself. I've been running easy runs and staying off social media. I'm ready to look forward to 2015 and what's to come.
To start off, many of you that follow me on Instagram know how excited I was for this race. I started training for it in July and followed a very tough 18 week training plan. I ran the prescribed workouts and an even faster pace than was aimed for a 3:35 marathon finish(Boston qualifying time for me) Getting out the door was never a problem for me. If I had to get up at 3:50AM before a 12 hour shift to get my run in for the day, I'd do it. Never complained about it, never got tired of it. I just did it. I wanted this BQ as bad as I wanted to breathe. I put in the work. I trained my heart out as hard as it got at times, I PUT IN THE WORK.
My injury 3 weeks before the marathon was emotionally devastating as much as it was for my training. Every night before bed, I believed I would wake up and run out the door and return to my training, but it never happened. I put on a brave face and tried my best to remain positive, but deep inside of me, I knew Boston was out of the question.
The morning of the marathon, I wasn't expecting a BQ. My foot was not 100%, the temperature was 29 degrees with 30 mph winds. I still had hope for that sub 4 hour, but I just wasn't feeling confident at all. I even told my husband in the hotel before we left for the start line, that I had a feeling this wasn't going to end well. I wasn't nervous at all. I was actually very calm and truly felt that even with 80% of the training plan completed, I should run a relatively good race.
Once the race started, I had a very hard time trying to relax. I was freezing and the wind took my breath away, it was so cold. I was worried that my foot would start hurting since it felt tight, but I prayed that my K-tape would hold it together for me. I ran the first 13 miles at an 8:06 pace but I didn't feel strong. Part of me was thinking that maybe I could pull this BQ off. Maybe the second half of the race, I'll be more relaxed and run a negative split. It didn't happen.
After mile 15-16 my body started slowing down. I tried to force my legs to run faster, but they wouldn't do it. At this point, I decided to give up on a BQ and go for that sub 4. I was still ahead of the 3:45 group and I had a chance. My fueling was on point and my foot was holding up pretty well. Around mile 18 my legs gave in. They turned into concrete slabs and I was an emotional wreck. I started walking through the water stations and texting my husband who was waiting for me at the finish line. I was texting him how bad I wanted to quit. That I couldn't do this shit anymore. That it was over for me. He just kept texting me over and over to finish. To run to him. That I COULD do it. That kept me going.
I put on my sunglasses that I had carried on my head, but it wasn't for the sun. It was to hide my tears. Between miles 20-26 it was a jog/walk for me. The longest 6 mile run of my life. My legs were hurting so bad, I couldn't even walk straight. My thoughts were racing through my head like, "how could this happen to me???" "All that training for this?" "How could my training go so well for this to happen to me. This always happens to me"
I knew other runners could sense my pain. Anytime I'd stop to walk because it hurt so much, another runner would tap my shoulder and tell me that I had this. Seeing Nicole at mile 21 also helped me so much. It gave me the courage to not drop out and actually finish it. I was in disbelief that it was my 4th marathon because it felt like my first. I thought I'd have it by now.
Once I finally crossed the finish line, I held back the tears. It was that slow motion kind of feeling getting my medal and looking for my husband. I felt my iphone vibrate and it was a text from my husband telling me to look left, and there he was. As I walked to him, that's when I lost it. I buried my face in his chest and didn't just cry, I was sobbing uncontrollably. He covered me with a sweatshirt and just put his arms around me. All I could say over and over was "I trained so hard, I trained so hard, I trained so hard." I pretty much cried on and off all the way home on our 2.5 hour drive.
I had my moments of feeling defeated and angry. I've already questioned why me? There are other runners who don't train as hard as me and run better marathons. Why do I have such strong training only for it to fall apart for me the second half of a marathon? I know people look at me and think I'm ungrateful since 4:07 is a respectable time and I realize that. I'm not ungrateful at all. I celebrate every finish line no matter the time. But I am hard on myself and always have been. I know what I'm capable of and it's so frustrating when I can't show it on race day. As Kara Goucher says in her blog post, a marathon is not like a 5K. I can't go out there 2 weeks later and redeem myself and show the world that I can BQ...but there are other marathons out there and I see this is just more experience and a learning opportunity. I'm healthy, happy, and so blessed that I even have a chance to run marathons. The incredible amount of love and support I've had from other runners on Instagram has helped me so much and I can't even begin to thank everyone enough.
I'm looking forward now to running easy and free this winter with no pressure on how many miles or at what pace. I'm going to focus a lot on strength training and just maintaining a solid foundation with my running. I'm excited to see where 2015 takes me. Sometimes things don't go as planned. You can put in the work, sweat, tears, and all the heart you have and things still manage to fall apart. But it doesn't mean it's the end. It just means that there a far better things in store for you in the future. I refuse to give up, even if I'm feeling defeated. I will continue to push forward and not dwell on bad runs in the past. Because bad runs come and they go...just like bad days. That's life. It's hope and all those great moments that make it worth it. One race does not dictate what kind of runner I am. I know what I can do and when my day finally comes, Monumental marathon and everything before and after will just be a part of my journey.
xoxo
blonde_bun_runner
"Head up, wings out"--Oiselle
